Man, What The Hell? Biden Bummer Edition

Plus Musk, Mayo, Martians, and other dispatches from this cursed week.

Welcome to Man, What the Hell?, a new series delving into the stories that made us go, “Man, what the hell?”

I simply cannot believe that the Democrats are gonna head into their abattoir of a national convention by propping up the bloody-eyed, beef jerky husk of Joe Biden—a man who, in spite of his emphatic denials to Mika Brzezinski, now has as much corroborating evidence of sexual assault against him as Brett “I LIKE BEER” Kavanaugh did at the time of his Supreme Court confirmation hearing—as their standard bearer. Well, no, strike that… Of course I can believe it. Ol’ Joe is the perfect avatar of a political party that’s so desperate to win back white racists in Des Moines, they’ll essentially ignore credible accusations of sexual assault if they think it’ll pick up a vote or two in the Rust Belt.

Never mind that more and more people came forward this week to say that former Biden staffer Tara Reade had contemporaneously described the then-senator forcing himself on her. Instead, the party is plowing ahead with Biden’s assumed coronation at the expense of actual elections in places like New York State, despite Biden’s own push to hold Wisconsin’s primary in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic.

I’m not saying the allegations against Biden are enough to sink him come November (although the DNC’s almost certain fuck-upery might be). If anything, we’ve seen time and again how few fucks America gives when it comes to electing accused sexual predators.

Anyway. Other stuff happened this week, too. Some good. Some bad. Some deranged. Let’s get to it. All of them made me say, “Man, what the hell?”

Thou Shalt Not COVID Your Neighbors’ Possessions.

For the past few weeks, hoards of shit-brained goobers have been massing at various state capitals to prove once and for all that Benjamin Franklin and George Washington would have been proud supporters of their GOD GIVEN RIGHT to marinate in coronavirus-seeped hair salons and movie theaters. And this week, one of North Carolina’s de-facto leaders of this “fuck you, I got mine” movement finally got hers.

In a Facebook post, the COVID-carrying re-open organizer allegedly said she plans to attend another rally this week. Cool!

You? F. O.

The Navy has officially released footage of what it calls “unidentified aerial phenomena”—or what the rest of us call freaking aliens, man!!!!!

The above clips have been bouncing around online for a while now, but this week marks the first time the Navy has given the footage their officially official blessing.

And speaking of aliens…

Here’s a tweet. Go see a Star War.

I don’t really care about May 4th, because I don’t need Disney’s permission to spend a specific day making “pew pew” noises with my mouth and jerking off to Wookiee porn, thankyewverymush. Still, if next week’s Star Wars day is your thing, be careful what you tweet, lest Mickey Mouse come for your ass with phasers set to kill.

Here is another tweet that made me really think, man

A fun statistic: 1 in 10 adults in the U.S. who think they have coronavirus would skip treatment because they’re worried it could bankrupt them, even though there’s a growing list of insurance backstops in place to mitigate the cost of COVID-19 testing and treatment. It’s almost like the American healthcare system is so fucked that it’s conditioned us to prefer having diseases to paying bills. Oh well, I guess this is just how we live—and eventually die—now.

Gaze upon my works ye mighty and despair.

Putting aside the fact that the only acceptable transparent food is vodka, the “lemon” in a lemon meringue pie should be CREAMY, not some stiff gelatin wedge covered in unnatural striations. Honestly, I’m furious at this thing. What the absolute hell? I hate the pie. Yes, I would still eat it.

Mayo vs. Mayo

Mike Pence, a sentient large toe who believes smoking doesn’t kill people, was filmed interacting with patients and staff at Minnesota’s Mayo Clinic on Tuesday with his face uncovered, despite the hospital’s extremely clear policy requiring face masks to be worn on the premises.

And wouldn’t you know it…

The clinic eventually deleted the above tweet, but that didn’t stop Pence from explaining that he chose not to wear the mask so he could look people “in the eye.”

Friends, I ask you: Does the Vice President understand how masks work?

Friends, I also ask you…

…what will it take for Elon Musk to simply sut da fuck up and focus on making beep boop cars and only occasionally explode-y rockets?

Sweeeeet Caroline (Bad Bad Bad)

I’m genuinely in awe of someone who thinks “I didn’t see the grotesque antisemitism because there were pretty colors” is an ironclad excuse.

The galaxy brain is cleared for liftoff into the turquoise-tinged cosmic nebula.

Finally, here’s something nice for May Day.

Have a great weekend, comrades!


Did anything make you say “man, what the hell?” this week? Perhaps out loud to a roommate, loved one, or disinterested household pet/plant? Misery loves company, so share your personal what the hells in the comments below!

(pic via Paramount Pictures— nothing to see here please disperse)